From Then Until Now

Wow! I didn't realize it had been so long since I had posted!!



I hope this finds everyone well & happy!

I would like to share with you the journey we have endeavered over the past year. As we are about to start a new journey in our life. This coming Tuesday we will be making our first trip to the Reproductive Endocronologist/Fertility Specialist. I have many thoughts and emotions about the approaching visit, which I will share at a later time (maybe Monday). But first I thought I would share how we got to this point.



Let's go back to May 2007, which happens to be the month Baby #1 was conceived. The second week in June I realized I was a week late for my monthly visitor, so I decided I better take a pregnancy test. I have peed on that lovely white stick many times before, but this time seemed different from the first thought of it. So I went & bought a 3 pack and to the bathroom I went. The first test came back positive immediately. OMG was this really happening!!



I was going to do some errands later that day with a long time family friend (Mrs. Sumner - I know formal, but this is what I have always called her) who I am very close to & spend a lot of my free time with. I wanted to tell someone & I knew I didn't want to just tell Dustin over the phone (I am much more creative than that!!). So I told Mrs. Sumner, she wasn't as shocked as I was expecting, maybe everyone already knew but me. We started discussing ways I could tell Dustin. I actually already knew how I wanted to tell him, so I shared my idea & she helped me. I made a card for him from our baby. I can't remember word for word what it said, but it introduced the baby, how old he currently was, how big he currently was & when he would get to meet his Daddy (which was set for Feb 18, just 7 days before Dustin's Birthday).

Dustin was shocked!! He looked at me with a sparkle in his eye I had never seen before, he said "You?!?!"

I said yes, we are expecting!! (I like expecting better than pregnant, don't ask me why cause I don't know).


At this point we had figured I was about 5 weeks along. I knew at this point I wanted to go to a midwife. I had met this really neat midwife during my OB clinicals & was set on using her. So I looked up her name & made the appt. Our first appt was at around 7 weeks. We went in, Dustin was freakin out! Then Sheila came in (the midwife). We talked about several things, history, how I was feeling, specific things I wanted and didn't want, etc. Normal first visit stuff. Then it was time for the exam, again Dustin freaked out. His eyes got as big around as quarters (don't worry he was sitting down & away from birds eye view, I think he may have ended up on the floor if not).

Sheila did the exam & then left the exam room.

Dustin said "what was that??"

I explained that women get to endure this lovely exams at minimum once per year from the time they start their period. Then I said, "Aren't you glad you aren't a woman?!?!.

Sheila came back in & said your due date is Feb 18, 2008 (which I had already figured), everything looks great. Your uterus & the baby are progressing just as they should be. Make an appt at the front desk in 4 weeks. Call if you have any questions or concerns.



That was that.



Everything was going along just fine. I was feeling good, no sickness (praise God), a tiny baby bump, & joy that was unimaginable. By now we had told all of our family & friends & everyone was extatic!



Week 8



Week 9 - What is this!!!! Panic. Small amount of bleeding. Called the doctor. They said nothing to worry about, unless it turns bright red, gets heavier, &/or is accompanied by cramps. Then came the words I will never forget, "if a miscarriage was going to occur there was nothing that could be done". WHAT?!?!?! Can they say that? I was furious, hurt, confused, paniced. Why didn't they do anything to help me.

I went on about my business.

Monday morning July 23, 2007 - Exactly 10 weeks. Woke up early, had psych clinicals that day at Research. Noticed I was bleeding a little bit heavier, but nothing major. Showered, got dressed. Noticed the bleeding was getting heavier, 5 minutes later - really bleeding, accompanied with the worst cramps I have ever had in my life!!!!



Of course my first thought is "I can't miss clinicals" - those of you that have been through nursing school understand this thought. My midwife went thru Research anyway, so I thought if I can just get to clinicals for an hour then I can go to the ER at Research, right?



NO WAY, I was on the floor in a ball at this point. Dustin had to go into work that morning, so I called Mrs. Sumner (at 0630 in the morning) to take me to the ER. As we were going the the ER that was only 5 minutes away (screw Research just get me to the quickest place!) I could feel I was really bleeding now. So in I went, knowing the inevitable was occuring. They did the U/S, silence, no more baby, it had already passed. The U/S screen was blank......my heart sank.



I cried.

Dustin of course showed up, I told him what was going on & what more they had to do.



Further tests & a clean out was done & then wewent home to rest.



Amazing I was emotionally doing well. We were optimistic about trying again & were not worried. 1/3 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so we didn't feel like there was a big issue.



Everything happens for a reason...

Early September, guess what, positive pregnancy test, Baby #2, YAY!!!



How was I going to tell Dustin this time, I can't use the card idea again. So I did a scavenger hunt around the house. Each clue had a message on it & a clue. The last spot had the positive pregnancy test & a note with a due date. Which I had figured should be June 4, 2008.



I was done with the midwife after she didn't care at all if I had a miscarriage or not. So I moved on to an OB office at St. Luke's. I called & made an new OB appt & gave them a brief history of what had just occured 6 weeks prior. Instead of having me what until 8 weeks they had me come in that next week.



We went, Dustin more calm this time, labs, exam room, another exam, many questions. They weren't sure I was really pregnant, they kept asking me when my miscarriage was & was I sure that everything had been "expelled" (nice word huh?). They had me come back 2 days later for labs to make sure my HCG level was rising.



2 days later, labs, increased hcg = Pregnant!!!



We went on with life, happy thoughts, and excitement & had an U/S scheduled in 2 weeks to make sure everything was okay. Which by my calculations should have been 8 weeks.



All was good, no problems, excited but cautious.



I went for labs about every other day. They were watching my progesterone closely b/c it was a bit low on previous labs.



It remained on the slightly low side, so I got to do fun, blue, progesterone vaginal suppositories. GROSS!!! That is all I have to say about that.



Still trucking along. All is well.



7 weeks



8 weeks - Back to the doctor for our U/S. We were very excited for our appt, we didn't get to do this with the last pregnancy. We were going to see the baby today. Into the room, lights off, cold jelly on my belly, couldn't see the baby well enough (it was too small), so vaginal it was. TaDa there was the baby! About an inch long "blob" with a strong flickering heartbeat!!! We could not have been happier! We were told by the baby's size we were actually only 6 weeks at that point, 2 weeks earlier than we thought. We were told at that point that once there is a visible heartbeat the likelyhood of miscarriage dropped drastically. Those words were music to our ears. So we went home excited about our news & feeling positive.



8 weeks - spotting again, panic, sadness, frustration, fear



Went to the doctor. Had another U/S (the baby had not developed past 7 weeks, which means it died 1 week to the day that we saw the heartbeat). The lady that does all the ultrasounds was there & remembered me. She was talking to me, trying to be positive. She got started & was looking & looking. I could tell by her face that it wasn't going to be good news. She looked at me and said "I am so sorry". I was floored, it was just a week ago we had a strong beating heart. What happened?!?! Why is this happening again?


The doctor wanted to speak to me. She was very compassionate & explained my options to me. 1) wait for the baby to pass on it's own 2) have a D&C. She was pushing for #2 with me just having a previous miscarriage. She was afraid I would have left over tissue with having them pretty close together. I wanted to talk to Dustin & think about it overnight.

I called the next day & agreed to the D&C. It was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving.

To the hospital we went at 0600. This is considered a surgery, so we went thru all that. A quick 20 minute procedure & it was done. Followed with nausea from the anthesia (we don't mix well).

Oh & $1000.00 out of our pockets (what is insurance for anyway).

Again home to rest.

Sadness...

A few days later I went in for a whole slew of labs to be drawn to try to figure out why this was happening. 12 tubes later I left & waited a phone call.


The doctor called a couple weeks later, "all your labs are normal, except you have an MTHFR mutation on your DNA, it is heterozygous which is the least severe form, many women, up to 70% carry this, & have no issues, I don't think this is what is causing your problems."



Okay, to do research I go.



I find out this can infact cause miscarriages. It just doesn't affect some women as bad as others.



December 2007 I started taking Aspirin, Folic Acid, B6, B12, & prenatals every day. Which I found out I should be taking everyday anyway with this mutation.



MTHFR causes: 1) my body doesn't absorb folic acid correctly, 2) I have small clots that form in my smallest blood vessels, 3) increases my homocystein levels.



Many women just take this vitamins & can make it thru a pregnancy, Good News right?!?! That is it, that's all I have to do. My doctor unfortunately isn't on board with treating MTHFR, but I had discussed with her that I was going to take this vitamins.



February 2008 - Positive pregnancy test!! I was excited yet cautious. I was taking the vitamins that I needed so we should be good to go! I called the doctor right away & they had me come in for labs.



Yep, I was for sure pregnant with Baby #3!!!



Once again, first appt, same thing, going good. Due Nov 23, 2008.

We were really early at this point so the plan was just to keep checking labs every few days & I would have my initial pregnancy appt in a few weeks.



6 weeks - woke up to blood. I knew it wasn't going to be good. Called the doctor, I was to come in in 3 hours for an U/S. I was already cramping, but not heavy bleeding. Went into the U/S room (keep in mind this lady now knows me, we have formed a bond). Dustin was a work, when he left that morning all was well. Lights out, dark room, her face drops. She keeps looking and looking, no baby.



I was in shock!! I filled with sadness (which I don't think has every really left). What were we going to do, was this ever going to happen for us?? So many thoughts went thru my head.

I went in to talk to the nurse practitioner. I had met her before, but she didn't really know my situation & was not sensitive. I just kept asking questions & she didn't really have an answers for me. She wanted to talk to Dr. Miller & call me later that afternoon. So she called & they want me to see a specialist. First they said a high risk pregnancy doctor, then they changed there mind & said fertility specialist. I had a hard time grasping this since I don't have any issues getting pregnant, but I eventually realized that is what I needed.

That brings us to the present. Our appt with the fertility specialist is next Tuesday.



I have had a really hard time with this rollarcoaster that we have been on for the last year. As time goes on I think it gets worse not better. I have good days of optimism & bad days of sorrow. I am really anxious about our appt next week. I am afraid something else is going to be wrong, I am going to have a sick baby, something is going to be wrong with me. I know I shouldn't think like that, but gut instincts usually mean something, right?