Rewind...to 4th of July

4th of July seems so long ago...

Anyway, I just wanted to share a couple cute pictures of Dustin's 3rd cousins. They are 3 and really cute!

Jacob & Avery doing sparklers

Jacob!

Dustin & Devin (his sister) passed out on the floor.

Blood Draws, Crashed Laptop, & It's HOT

Well, it's official, the laptop has crashed!! I don't know what is wrong with it. This is the second time it has crashed since I got it last winter. I hope to take it in next week. So my promise for pictures will have to wait...

I went today to Quest lab to have more blood drawn. I am wondering if I am going to have any left. I wished I would have started counting the tubes when this journey began a year ago (June 2007). I bet it has been 30 tubes by now! Anyhow, I got there at 0830. There were 2 people in front of me (even though I had an appt). So I went back at 0900. They drew the Estradol and FSH levels and the 1st 2 tubes for the Glucose test. They then gave me a 10oz bottle to drink. I was expecting it to be horrible, that is what everyone has been telling me. It looked like pop & to my surprise tasted like it too! What a relief. I had to drink the whole bottle in 5 minutes, to top it off they made me sit in the waiting room. Done with that part, no wait, and wait, and wait. I had to have a blood draw at 1000 and then 1100. The waiting room was full, people came and went. Luckily, there were some magizines to read. So finally it was 1100. By this time I am tired, ready to go, and FREEZING cold!! For those of you that I work with you know that I am never cold!! My finger nails were purple I was so cold. So I went back and a different lady was to draw the last sample. Previously the had done them out of my left arm (in the same spot I might add, bruise #1). So this time is was to the right arm. She felt around, stick, fish (ouch), JAB (OUCH!) - she said sometimes you just have to jab it in the vein. I wanted to say, your lucky you didn't blow it, but I kept my mouth shut. But the time I got to the car I already had a bruise. If people didn't know better, they would think I am doing drugs or something. Anyway, I am done with the blood draws for now. Everything should be to Dr. G's office by Friday when I go for my Saline Sonography, except for the Karotyping. That takes a bit to come back. So time will tell.

So I have a thought. When we met with Dr. G a few weeks ago we talked about taking progesterone starting at Day 18 of each cycle and to continue it once I get pregnant or stop it and start it again the next month. Well, he said there is an option to take Clomid in place of the progesterone with the same effect, it will just increase my chance of multiples. I am thinking tonight that I may want to try it. Is that selfish?? I just don't know what is going to happen with this whole pregnancy thing and I think if we can have twins with the first go around, I would be okay with being done (maybe). As most of you know I have always wanted 4 kids and still do, but times are trying and I don't know if that can happen. Anyway, just wanted some thoughts on that. I think I will talk to Dr. G about it on Friday. 

So it is HOT!!! This weather is miserable!! Scout and I finally went on a walk tonight at almost dark. It was actually quite nice. 

Oh I almost for got. I took Scout to the vet today. Nothing major. He was due for a shot and he has had a spot on his leg since Thursday that I wanted to get checked. Turns out it is called a "hot spot", basically since he is a nervous/anxious dog he probably did it himself. I still think it is a bug bite or sting, but who am in. Anyway it is healing fine, the hair is growing back and unless there is any sign of infection we just have to let it heal. He is 64.8 pounds, which is actually less than our last visit. They said that is normal for summer time. Must be all the walking we have been doing. It has helped me lose a couple pounds too! I LOVE MY SCOUT!! 

Until next time...

Still Assessing...

Sorry I haven't been updating. I know I said last Tuesday I would. But we have this new Imac and I can't figure out the whole picture thing! My laptop is working now, so I will put new pics up soon.

On to what everyone is wondering about. 

Last Monday (7/28/08) Dustin and I went to have our blood drawn for our Chromosome Analysis (Kareotyping). Very simple blood draw, just 1 tube even (about the size of the waste tubes at work). That was it. Now we wait for the results, which I am told can take a while. 

This coming Monday I go into the lab for a 3 hour visit to do my Glucose/Insulin Resistance test to see if I run on the higher side (I am pretty optimistic that I don't, but you never know). I will also be having my Estradol and FSH levels drawn that day as it will be cycle day #3. These are both hormone levels to find out if I am ovulating correctly.

I have to admit I was a little nervous a few days ago. I am a 30 day cycle girl, on the dot every month. The only times I have ever been late I have been pregnant. Well it was day 32, then day 33 and still no monthly visitor. I too (along with Amber) have an obsession with the "pee sticks" and used 3 of them on Thursday. All came out negative! I am only happy about this now because I want to get all the test results back before we are pregnant again. So after a few nervous days I started this morning. 

No more nerves. Now lets get some results!!

This morning I went to the Farmer's Market in Parkville and then to visit the St. Jude house (that wasn't complete). I was home by 10:00am and we have spent the rest of the day doing "chores". It has been a very productive and nice day at home!

I will leave you with a poem that I "stole" from another blog that I feel is quite fitting.

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.

The sea I swim in is a lonely one

and the shore seems miles away.

Waves of despair numb my soul

as I struggle through each day.

My heart is heavy with sorrow.

I want to shout and scream

and repeatedly ask "why?"

At times, my grief overwhelms me

and I weep bitterly,

so great is my loss.

Please don't turn away

or tell me to move on with my life.

I must embrace my pain

before I can begin to heal.

Companion me through tears

and site with me in loving silence.

Honor where I am in my journey,

not where you think I should be.

Listen patiently to my story,

I may need to tell it over and over again.

Its how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.

Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.

Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.

A small flame still burns within my heart,

and shared memories my trigger

both laughter and tears.

I need your support and understanding.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I must find my own path.

Please Be Gentle  By Jill B. Englar

Plan #1 - Assess

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, we appreciate it very much.



We met Dr. Gehlbach today and his PA Lindsay. They were both very nice and informative. The plan at this point is to assess the situation and what could be causing the miscarriages to occur. Dr. Gehlbach does not believe that the MTHFR mutation is what is causing the miscarriages to occur. He did agree that I should continue at this point taking the aspirin, folic acid, and B vitamins. His words were "they probably won't help a pregnancy, but they won't hurt. The MTHFR puts you at higher risk for clots and it will definantely help with that."



We went over our medical histories and what has occured this past year with the previous pregnancies. He came in and talked to us about things that cause recurrent miscarriages. This is the list and what we do to test for each specific cause:



1) Anatomic (meaning a anatomical issue with my uterus that the baby would not be able to attach or survive correctly) ~ for this I will have a what is called a Saline Infusion Sonohysterography the first week of my next cycle (which will be the 1st week in August). This test is done by doing a sonogram and at the same time inserting sterile saline into the uterine cavity. This will show us any abnormalities of the uterus and/or endometrial cavity.

2) Antibodies ~ these are caused by blood disorders (factor issues, lupus, etc), I have already completed these blood tests at my OB office. All look normal.

3) Chromosomes ~ This is done by Karyotyping (which is a blood test). Dustin and I will both have this test done to ensure that both of our choromosomes that we would be passing to a baby are correct and balanced. This will be before Aug 1st.

4) Hormonal ~ these would show a luteal phase defect. I have chosen not to do this test just yet. It consists of doing an endometrial biopsy during the luteal phase. I have nothing against this test, just want to see what the others show first. Instead of doing the biopsy I will began taking a progesterone supplement starting with my next cycle on Day 18 and then continue if I indeed become pregnant or stop it when I began my next period and start it again on the next day 18.

5) Insulin Resistance ~ apparently there is some corilation with having a higher glucose/insulin level on a consistant basis and miscarriage (who knew?). So for this I will have that lovely 3 hour glucose/insulin test done. This will be before Aug 1st.

6) Ovarian Reserve ~ This is to see how many follicals I am producing. For this with my next cycle on Day 3 I will go back to Dr. G's office and have a blood test and a sonogram. They will count and measure my follicals to see how many likely develope into eggs to be fertilized. The blood test will determine my FSH and Estradol level (hormones that produce the follicals).

Dr. Gehlbach also encouraged us not to lose hope. Sometimes we never find a specific cause of miscarriages. But reality is this in 50-60% of cases similar to yours a cause is found and we go on with that, 40-50% of cases we find no cause, all comes back normal. But if we do not find anything there is still a 70% chance that you will still have a healthy pregnancy and baby. It is just going to be based on how much you can endure before it happens.

So these is where we sit for now. All of these tests will be completed within the next 3 weeks and then maybe we will have an answer. I was hoping for some further guidance yesterday, but at the same time I am so glad that someone is finally going forward with testing.

Thanks again for all your thoughts and support. I will keep you updated as I learn new things!

Day Of Emotions

Today is the big day, the beginning of a new chapter in our lives which will hopefully be much more fulfilling than the first 3 chapters. I can't even express how I am feeling right now. I am nervous beyond belief, sad for a reason I am not able to grasp, and somewhere deep inside relieved that we are maybe going to have some answers. I cried several times yesterday and feeling just as emotional today if not more. I am sure the doctor today will be seeing some tears. I just cry over the littlest things. I know it is just because I am overwhelmed, never thought I would be doing this, and fearful of the unknown journey ahead of us.

I spent the day yesterday with Champagne and Lincoln. It was really a good day! We went to lunch with a few of her girlfriends. After we visited for a while we were leaving. Champagne said to me "Mike and I have discussed this seriously and if for some reason you are unable to carry a baby, I will carry one for you. You guys deserve this." Of course I cried. I am so grateful that someone would be willing to do that for us. At the same time though I hope that is not the case. I know we have a lot of options before that.

Some good news is with changing to my insurance thru CMH I now have $10,000 of fertility coverage! Unfortunately it is a lifetime maximum, but at least it will help us thru the first go around. Just another blessing in disguise.

I don't really have much else to say at this point. I will post more once we find out more today.

From Then Until Now

Wow! I didn't realize it had been so long since I had posted!!



I hope this finds everyone well & happy!

I would like to share with you the journey we have endeavered over the past year. As we are about to start a new journey in our life. This coming Tuesday we will be making our first trip to the Reproductive Endocronologist/Fertility Specialist. I have many thoughts and emotions about the approaching visit, which I will share at a later time (maybe Monday). But first I thought I would share how we got to this point.



Let's go back to May 2007, which happens to be the month Baby #1 was conceived. The second week in June I realized I was a week late for my monthly visitor, so I decided I better take a pregnancy test. I have peed on that lovely white stick many times before, but this time seemed different from the first thought of it. So I went & bought a 3 pack and to the bathroom I went. The first test came back positive immediately. OMG was this really happening!!



I was going to do some errands later that day with a long time family friend (Mrs. Sumner - I know formal, but this is what I have always called her) who I am very close to & spend a lot of my free time with. I wanted to tell someone & I knew I didn't want to just tell Dustin over the phone (I am much more creative than that!!). So I told Mrs. Sumner, she wasn't as shocked as I was expecting, maybe everyone already knew but me. We started discussing ways I could tell Dustin. I actually already knew how I wanted to tell him, so I shared my idea & she helped me. I made a card for him from our baby. I can't remember word for word what it said, but it introduced the baby, how old he currently was, how big he currently was & when he would get to meet his Daddy (which was set for Feb 18, just 7 days before Dustin's Birthday).

Dustin was shocked!! He looked at me with a sparkle in his eye I had never seen before, he said "You?!?!"

I said yes, we are expecting!! (I like expecting better than pregnant, don't ask me why cause I don't know).


At this point we had figured I was about 5 weeks along. I knew at this point I wanted to go to a midwife. I had met this really neat midwife during my OB clinicals & was set on using her. So I looked up her name & made the appt. Our first appt was at around 7 weeks. We went in, Dustin was freakin out! Then Sheila came in (the midwife). We talked about several things, history, how I was feeling, specific things I wanted and didn't want, etc. Normal first visit stuff. Then it was time for the exam, again Dustin freaked out. His eyes got as big around as quarters (don't worry he was sitting down & away from birds eye view, I think he may have ended up on the floor if not).

Sheila did the exam & then left the exam room.

Dustin said "what was that??"

I explained that women get to endure this lovely exams at minimum once per year from the time they start their period. Then I said, "Aren't you glad you aren't a woman?!?!.

Sheila came back in & said your due date is Feb 18, 2008 (which I had already figured), everything looks great. Your uterus & the baby are progressing just as they should be. Make an appt at the front desk in 4 weeks. Call if you have any questions or concerns.



That was that.



Everything was going along just fine. I was feeling good, no sickness (praise God), a tiny baby bump, & joy that was unimaginable. By now we had told all of our family & friends & everyone was extatic!



Week 8



Week 9 - What is this!!!! Panic. Small amount of bleeding. Called the doctor. They said nothing to worry about, unless it turns bright red, gets heavier, &/or is accompanied by cramps. Then came the words I will never forget, "if a miscarriage was going to occur there was nothing that could be done". WHAT?!?!?! Can they say that? I was furious, hurt, confused, paniced. Why didn't they do anything to help me.

I went on about my business.

Monday morning July 23, 2007 - Exactly 10 weeks. Woke up early, had psych clinicals that day at Research. Noticed I was bleeding a little bit heavier, but nothing major. Showered, got dressed. Noticed the bleeding was getting heavier, 5 minutes later - really bleeding, accompanied with the worst cramps I have ever had in my life!!!!



Of course my first thought is "I can't miss clinicals" - those of you that have been through nursing school understand this thought. My midwife went thru Research anyway, so I thought if I can just get to clinicals for an hour then I can go to the ER at Research, right?



NO WAY, I was on the floor in a ball at this point. Dustin had to go into work that morning, so I called Mrs. Sumner (at 0630 in the morning) to take me to the ER. As we were going the the ER that was only 5 minutes away (screw Research just get me to the quickest place!) I could feel I was really bleeding now. So in I went, knowing the inevitable was occuring. They did the U/S, silence, no more baby, it had already passed. The U/S screen was blank......my heart sank.



I cried.

Dustin of course showed up, I told him what was going on & what more they had to do.



Further tests & a clean out was done & then wewent home to rest.



Amazing I was emotionally doing well. We were optimistic about trying again & were not worried. 1/3 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so we didn't feel like there was a big issue.



Everything happens for a reason...

Early September, guess what, positive pregnancy test, Baby #2, YAY!!!



How was I going to tell Dustin this time, I can't use the card idea again. So I did a scavenger hunt around the house. Each clue had a message on it & a clue. The last spot had the positive pregnancy test & a note with a due date. Which I had figured should be June 4, 2008.



I was done with the midwife after she didn't care at all if I had a miscarriage or not. So I moved on to an OB office at St. Luke's. I called & made an new OB appt & gave them a brief history of what had just occured 6 weeks prior. Instead of having me what until 8 weeks they had me come in that next week.



We went, Dustin more calm this time, labs, exam room, another exam, many questions. They weren't sure I was really pregnant, they kept asking me when my miscarriage was & was I sure that everything had been "expelled" (nice word huh?). They had me come back 2 days later for labs to make sure my HCG level was rising.



2 days later, labs, increased hcg = Pregnant!!!



We went on with life, happy thoughts, and excitement & had an U/S scheduled in 2 weeks to make sure everything was okay. Which by my calculations should have been 8 weeks.



All was good, no problems, excited but cautious.



I went for labs about every other day. They were watching my progesterone closely b/c it was a bit low on previous labs.



It remained on the slightly low side, so I got to do fun, blue, progesterone vaginal suppositories. GROSS!!! That is all I have to say about that.



Still trucking along. All is well.



7 weeks



8 weeks - Back to the doctor for our U/S. We were very excited for our appt, we didn't get to do this with the last pregnancy. We were going to see the baby today. Into the room, lights off, cold jelly on my belly, couldn't see the baby well enough (it was too small), so vaginal it was. TaDa there was the baby! About an inch long "blob" with a strong flickering heartbeat!!! We could not have been happier! We were told by the baby's size we were actually only 6 weeks at that point, 2 weeks earlier than we thought. We were told at that point that once there is a visible heartbeat the likelyhood of miscarriage dropped drastically. Those words were music to our ears. So we went home excited about our news & feeling positive.



8 weeks - spotting again, panic, sadness, frustration, fear



Went to the doctor. Had another U/S (the baby had not developed past 7 weeks, which means it died 1 week to the day that we saw the heartbeat). The lady that does all the ultrasounds was there & remembered me. She was talking to me, trying to be positive. She got started & was looking & looking. I could tell by her face that it wasn't going to be good news. She looked at me and said "I am so sorry". I was floored, it was just a week ago we had a strong beating heart. What happened?!?! Why is this happening again?


The doctor wanted to speak to me. She was very compassionate & explained my options to me. 1) wait for the baby to pass on it's own 2) have a D&C. She was pushing for #2 with me just having a previous miscarriage. She was afraid I would have left over tissue with having them pretty close together. I wanted to talk to Dustin & think about it overnight.

I called the next day & agreed to the D&C. It was scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving.

To the hospital we went at 0600. This is considered a surgery, so we went thru all that. A quick 20 minute procedure & it was done. Followed with nausea from the anthesia (we don't mix well).

Oh & $1000.00 out of our pockets (what is insurance for anyway).

Again home to rest.

Sadness...

A few days later I went in for a whole slew of labs to be drawn to try to figure out why this was happening. 12 tubes later I left & waited a phone call.


The doctor called a couple weeks later, "all your labs are normal, except you have an MTHFR mutation on your DNA, it is heterozygous which is the least severe form, many women, up to 70% carry this, & have no issues, I don't think this is what is causing your problems."



Okay, to do research I go.



I find out this can infact cause miscarriages. It just doesn't affect some women as bad as others.



December 2007 I started taking Aspirin, Folic Acid, B6, B12, & prenatals every day. Which I found out I should be taking everyday anyway with this mutation.



MTHFR causes: 1) my body doesn't absorb folic acid correctly, 2) I have small clots that form in my smallest blood vessels, 3) increases my homocystein levels.



Many women just take this vitamins & can make it thru a pregnancy, Good News right?!?! That is it, that's all I have to do. My doctor unfortunately isn't on board with treating MTHFR, but I had discussed with her that I was going to take this vitamins.



February 2008 - Positive pregnancy test!! I was excited yet cautious. I was taking the vitamins that I needed so we should be good to go! I called the doctor right away & they had me come in for labs.



Yep, I was for sure pregnant with Baby #3!!!



Once again, first appt, same thing, going good. Due Nov 23, 2008.

We were really early at this point so the plan was just to keep checking labs every few days & I would have my initial pregnancy appt in a few weeks.



6 weeks - woke up to blood. I knew it wasn't going to be good. Called the doctor, I was to come in in 3 hours for an U/S. I was already cramping, but not heavy bleeding. Went into the U/S room (keep in mind this lady now knows me, we have formed a bond). Dustin was a work, when he left that morning all was well. Lights out, dark room, her face drops. She keeps looking and looking, no baby.



I was in shock!! I filled with sadness (which I don't think has every really left). What were we going to do, was this ever going to happen for us?? So many thoughts went thru my head.

I went in to talk to the nurse practitioner. I had met her before, but she didn't really know my situation & was not sensitive. I just kept asking questions & she didn't really have an answers for me. She wanted to talk to Dr. Miller & call me later that afternoon. So she called & they want me to see a specialist. First they said a high risk pregnancy doctor, then they changed there mind & said fertility specialist. I had a hard time grasping this since I don't have any issues getting pregnant, but I eventually realized that is what I needed.

That brings us to the present. Our appt with the fertility specialist is next Tuesday.



I have had a really hard time with this rollarcoaster that we have been on for the last year. As time goes on I think it gets worse not better. I have good days of optimism & bad days of sorrow. I am really anxious about our appt next week. I am afraid something else is going to be wrong, I am going to have a sick baby, something is going to be wrong with me. I know I shouldn't think like that, but gut instincts usually mean something, right?

Lincoln @ 7 Weeks

We are having fun doing dinner/grilling with our friends Mike & Champagne each week. Not to mention we Love getting to see Lincoln at least once a week. Below he is enjoying the new bouncy chair I bought him to use when they are over.

He really liked his new chair!! It vibrates, sings, & is super soft. :)

Congrats Chasity & William!

Last weekend we went to a friend of mines wedding. We weren't sure about going because the only people we were going to know was the Bride, we really hadn't even met the groom. Anyway, we got to know the other couple at our table & ended up having a great time!!! The wedding was at the Loretto downtown, it was a beautiful place! Here are a few pictures of the evening (not really in order, but I didn't want to upload them all over again:)

This is a really horrible picture of me (after a few too many drinks), but Chasity was a BEAUTIFUL bride!

Don't Ask...

This was their "get away car" to go do pictures.

New Grill

We recently purchased a new grill!! We decided to take the plunge from charcoal to gas.

Last Monday we broke it in for the first time with our good friends Mike & Champagne & baby Lincoln of course. We had BBQ chicken, brats, steak, baked potatoes, and corn.

Dustin did a GREAT job!

Champagne & Lincoln (6 weeks old in this picture)

And of course Scout! Wanting to come inside.

On To Answers and A Plan

I made the official appt yesterday to meet with the Reproductive Endocronologisit! Our appt is July 15. This makes me both nervous and excited. I am so relieved to finally be getting some answers and the treatment that I need. Yet at the same time I am nervous to start over again. That is all I know for now. I will keep everyone up to date as I find out more.